Two
Sheds
I may be in breach of copyright (not
intended and if I am please let me know) but this is one of my favorite sketches
from Monty Python and I would like to share it with you. Also, as promised we
now have Spam (click
here for sketch).
Two sheds Jackson (Arthur).
Host:
TS: Hello.
Host: May I just sidetrack for one moment. This -- what shall I call it -- nickname of yours...
TS: Ah yes.
Host: "Two sheds". How did you come by it?
TS: Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me "Two Sheds".
Host: And do you in fact have two sheds?
TS: No, I've only got one. I've had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me "Two Sheds".
Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one.
TS: Yes.
Host: And are you still intending to purchase this second shed?
TS: (impatient) No!
Host: ...To bring you in line with your epithet?
TS: No.
Host: I see, I see. Well to return to your symphony.
TS: Ah yes.
Host: Did you write this symphony in the shed?
TS: (surprised) No!
Host: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?
TS: No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden shed.
Host: I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in!
TS: No, no. Look. This shed business -- it doesn't really matter. The sheds aren't important. A few friends call me Two Sheds and that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion -- I'm a composer. I'm going to get rid of the shed. I'm fed up with it!
Host: Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson, eh?
Jackson: Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.
Host: (sternly) Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your symphony.
TS: Huh!
Host: I understand that you used to be interested in train-spotting.
TS: What?
Host: I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were interested in train-spotting.
TS: Well what's that got to do with my bloody music?
Other host: (entering) Are you having any trouble with him?
Host: Yes, a little. Good Lord! You're the man who interviewed Sir Edward Ross earlier.
Other host: Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, "Two Sheds".
Host: Yes, make yourself scarce, "Two Sheds". This studio isn't big enough for the three of us! (They throw him out.)
TS: Here, what are you doing? Stop it! [Crash.]
Other host: Get your own Arts programme, you fairy!
Host: Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson... Never mind, Timmy.
Other host: Oh Mike, you're such a comfort.(fini)
Spam
Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.
Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right.
Man (to Waitress): Morning!
Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag): Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...
Vikings (singing): Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings (singing): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings (singing elaborately): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!
Click the shed to return to normality, but no
promises!